We Are BoitanoFan

Updated 4/1/99

Welcome to the BoitanoFan Homeworld. It has been noted on r.s.s.i.f. that Brian Boitano fans are out to conquer the universe and assimilate all who disagree with us. This must be so. Who are we to argue with r.s.s.i.f. regulars?

We have assimilated AOL. Rec.Sport.Skating.Ice.Figure. is next.

We Are BoitanoFan. You WILL Be Assimilated. Resistance IS Futile.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am 1 of 8. 2 of 8 is off assimilating others. Remember, Borg statistics show that Seven of Nine skating fans prefer Brian Boitano!
quote from an anonymous source

Here is 2 of 8's latest report:

"Dear 1 of 8,

Assimilation of AOL has met with an unexpected resistance in a small quadrant. The HamiltonFan is gaining momentum. We may have to rethink our strategy there.

The rssif still resists. 4 of 8 continues to aid in the effort, but still, no success. A new problem cropped up, as there seems to me a similar yet different collective showing a presence there. The StojkoFan collective continues to use physics psychobabble to wear down resistance to their assimilation attempts. But so far, it hasn't been very effective. We will continue our own assimilation methods, since the T-blasts have dissipated.

I will send further assimilation reports as needed.

2 of 8"

Our recent assimilation, 3 of 8, has been assigned California. We should have a report from her soon. There should be little reisistance, since those in that geographical area seem to be easily led ;D......

As a member of the BoitanoFan collective, it is my duty to explain to you how we are taking over the skating universe. It's already happening. Our first objective was to completely convert those who preferred other skaters. Obviously they must be misguided. And since the collective only knows Boitano, we, of course can't appreciate things like:

Scott Hamilton's amazing creativity
Alexei Yagudin's perfection
Brian Orser's artistry
Victor Petrenko's.....um.....oh, yeah, he does a great Michael Jackson impression
Kurt Browning's increadible charisma (and those great black pants...)
Elvis Stojko's stunning jumps
Todd Eldridge's pointed toes
Ilia Kulik's cool quad
Rudy Galindo's costumes

BoitanoFan only knows that judges are idiots, and Boitano should *always* win.......

Reasons Brian Boitano Loses

According to the collective, that is

Aforementioned judges
Bad Ice
That darn shirt was in his way!
It wuz rigged
He just got new boots!!! (thanks Doreen, how *could* I have forgotten?)
Judges too overwhelmed by Rudy's costumes
Fall? What fall? Too much adrenaline, I tell ya!
Who says you have to land EVERY jump to win?

Hmmm, I'm *sure* there's more.....

Phase II of Assimilation

Once we've convince all skating fans that Brian Boitano is the best, it will then be our goal to convert all male skaters to the Boitano way. Lots of fantastic jumps, beautiful spread eagles, and lots and lots of opera. And don't forget, flowing shirts, and tight tight pants!!!! It's already happening. (see Elvis Stojko, Alexei Yagudin, etc...)

Just so you don't think we're humorless, here is the recipe for Borg Stew. This should make your assimilation less painful.
BoitanoFan Stew
10 BoitanoFan
10 Fans of other skaters

Brown BoitanoFan in hot pan, add water and simmer. When stew thickens add other fans, watch them either turn into BoitanoFan or go up in flames. Don't serve until everyone watching is bored.

borrowed from dejah aka Mary E Tyler

Once again, here's the disclaimer:
It's Just A JOKE!!
Got a problem? Then email1 of 8
Send all flame emails to Assimilate
so we can pinpoint your location for assimilation
To the Boitano Repository

We Are BoitanoFan